Maddux Wins 15th; Clinches Playoff Berth For Los Angeles

From awkwardly titled All-everything Maddux leads Dodgers back into playoffs (article)

It was fitting that Maddux (15-14) had much to do with the Dodgers' return to the playoffs. They acquired the 40-year-old from the Chicago Cubs on July 31 to give them a veteran arm for the stretch run -- and he won six games in Dodger Blue.

"It feels great," Maddux said. "I had a great time in Chicago. I'm glad I got traded to Los Angeles, so it's been a very good year for me personally. Hopefully it'll get better. I wasn't expecting to be in the playoffs until I got traded."

Congratulations, Greg.

I Wish I Could Complain About Len and Bob, But I Have Not Watched A Game Since Stone Left.

From article, "Baker May Enjoy Last Laugh"

Former Cubs broadcaster Steve Stone was seen dining recently with John McDonough, the Cubs senior vice president of marketing and broadcasting. Sources insist it was just a social meeting between old friends, but if Brenly gets a managerial job, the door may be open for Stone's return to the Cubs' TV booth.

It would be nice to finally be able to watch a WGN/CSN game again.

On leaving:


"God told me to come here," he said. "And I just can't believe—my dying mother-in-law told me this, and I pray on it—that I was supposed to come here to leave under these circumstances.

Dusty Baker = Doesn't cut and run, supported by God.

And to give Joe Morgan some competition:

If Baker doesn't get a managerial job, he figures to draw interest from ESPN as a baseball analyst.

Michael Barrett Will Take His Future Children To The Museum.

When Barrett does come back, he'll be wearing a cup that offers bullet-proof protection. They are on the market.

"Once I get that thing, it's game on," he said.

Muskat/Barrett manage to get Super Troopers and Wayne's World into the same story.

And the original cup? It's now on display at a youth baseball complex Barrett is involved with in the Atlanta area.

What?

-----

Juan Pierre notched his 200th hit in the first inning on Friday, and the Cubs center fielder will likely set a record for lowest batting average for a player with 200 hits. Pierre entered Friday's game batting .291. The current low is .295 by Jo-Jo Moore of the 1935 New York Giants.

Juan Pierre's OBP ranks 17th out of 20 among qualified leadoff hitters, ahead of Scott Podsednik, Randy Winn, and Chone Figgins. Pierre is second to last in walks, just two ahead of David Eckstein.

WHO HAS 200 FEWER AT-BATS.

Juan Pierre: One step below David Eckstein.

You're fat and you can't pitch.

Buster Olney earlier today on Pedro Martinez:

Pedro has nothing.

Actually he has a tear in his left calf.

It reminds me of when Doug Buffone interviewed Jerome Williams after he was traded to the Cubs, and criticized him for arriving at spring training twenty pounds overweight. When he asked Williams how he could justify himself, Williams replied that his mother had died in the winter and his father had spent most of the off-season in the hospital, and as a result Williams had no time to exercize.

Ah, repentance.

The Cubs: Not Rebuilding

Sep 27 The Chicago Tribune's Paul Sullivan reports Chicago Cubs SP Rich Hill and SP Sean Marshall won't be in the rotation at the same time if manager Dusty Baker can help it, because Baker believes it would signal the club is in rebuilding mode. "Right now Hill has pitched better," he said. "It depends on whether you want to develop, or do you want to win the pennant? That's the first thing you have to make up your mind on, or who's out there that's going to help you get over the hump, or who's here that you were counting to come back who wasn't here."

What sort of mode should you be in after a season in which you have lost 95+ games?

First of all, he's under the impression that he has any sort of control over what will happen with next year's starting rotation, which is either stupid of him or betrays some sort of secret pact that he has with Hendry (which scares the hell out of me). Secondly, this is classic Dusty Baker.

The reason the Cubs are so bad now is that their manager refuses to allow his younger talent to develop, so that when an Alou or a Grudzielanek leaves or is traded, the only thing the Cubs can do is find another veteran like Neifi Perez, because Baker has not prepared the replacements to play.

Here is a look at what might be the Cubs' starting rotation next year:

Carlos Zambrano - There's nothing anyone needs to say about this one.
Rich Hill - I still feel that if Dusty's around, this guy doesn't have a sure shot to make the rotation in 2007. Maybe he'll have a bad spring training and Dusty will send him to the minors. This guy has led baseball in strikeouts two years in a row.
Mark Prior - For about 23 starts. Prior has stated that in the event that he doesn't make a start for the Cubs this year, he'll consider pitching in the Cubs developmental league in Mesa or the Arizona Fall League, which is encouraging, I guess. Please don't do this again, Mark, it's been three years.
Wade Miller - He's been decent and will only get better. The Cubs had better offer him a contract now. He's healthy, undervalued, and so overlooked that MLB Trade Rumors missed him in suggesting a fourth or fifth starter for the Cubs' 2007 rotation. (Nor did they mention Eric Patterson as a replacement for Theriot/Cedeno)
Anyone - I wanted to suggest somebody here but the Cubs gave him away. More on that later.

As much as I'd love to see a Barry Zito-type starter added to the Cubs rotation, this team has so many holes right now. Either they'll focus on getting a real shortstop and second baseman and think about who is going to play center field next year, or overspend on another starter. Either way, the Cubs will not go into spring training as any real threat to contend for the division.

A quote

Dusty Baker, describing another disastrous outing by Ryan Dempster, which resulted in his ninth blown save--and ninth loss--of the year:

"You don't want to beat a dead horse to death," Baker said.

Sometimes, Dusty, you really want to.

The Importance of Leadoff Men

Dusty Baker, on what helped the Cubs score 22 runs in two games, September 17-18:

"No. 1, we're getting our leadoff man on early," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said.

Number 1: The Cubs hit ten home runs in two games, hitting .392 (33/84). They were also aided by two Phillies errors.

On a Serious Note.

Read here.

CHICAGO -- Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee could be out for the rest of the season because of his 3-year-old daughter's illness.

Lee had missed the last two games before he said Sunday he was taking a leave of absence to be with his wife and child.

"My daughter's lost some vision in one eye and we'll find out more at a later time; we have to go through some more tests," Lee said in a statement. "Right now we just ask for everyone's prayers. We need a miracle, we need your prayers. We need everyone to believe she's going to be OK."

The only thing worse than a player's freak injury is an injury to his family. Good luck, Derrek.

Is anyone else tired of these headlines?

Since I'm not a writer for MLB.com, I'm not sure what the requirement is for writing the headlines on any team's website, but I'm pretty sure they must involve a cheesy play on words. Case in point: the headline recapping the Cubs' victory yesterday over Cincy with Rich Hill having thrown a two-hit shutout reads, "King of the Hill: Rich throws dandy two-hitter."

Don't get me wrong, Hill had a good game (probably the best one of his career since it was also his first CG and shutout, but "King of the Hill?" I know that "hill" is a synonym for "mound," and "king of the hill" is synonymous for victory, which makes Rich Hill the ultimate convenience in the world of bad sports journalism, but what if his name weren't so convenient? I pondered this for awhile and came up with some possible alternate headlines for yesterday's game if Rich Hill had a different last name.

Rich Field: "King of the Field: Rich pitches gem, negates fielding necessity"

Rich Walker: "King of the Walk: Rich walks 1, but low numbers are good"

Rich Hitter: "King of the Hit: Rich goes 0 for 4, but at least he can throw"

Rich Groundskeeper: "King of the Grounds: Rich dominates on the mound, then waters it"

Rich Hotdogvendor: "King of the Hot Dogs: Rich pitches goose egg, then orders wiener"

Rich Drunkfaninleftfieldbleachers: "Cubs Pitcher Does Good Job"

Former Cubs Watch! - The Cure for JDRF Walkathon Edition

bananawithmilk: With my luck, I'll be visited by Andy Pratt, who will try to kill me.
bananawithmilk: And miss.

--------

March 26, 2004:

PHOENIX -- The Chicago Cubs traded pitchers Juan Cruz and Steve Smyth to the Atlanta Braves on Thursday for minor league left-hander Andy Pratt and infielder Richard Lewis.

I have always, always liked Juan Cruz, because he throws in the mid 90s despite weighing 35 lbs less than I do (30 in shape, 40 when I'm drinking), and because his almost-magical 2001 rookie season bought him quite a bit of time, in my opinion, to turn things around. He had a K/9 over 9, and although his walk totals were high, the Cubs chose to trade him at the worst point of his career, sending him to Atlanta the spring after he posted a 6.09 ERA with an 81/59 K/BB rate. Sure, he had no stamina, and his control was lacking, and getting rid of Smyth was a great move, but this is what the Cubs received for him:

Andy Pratt, 2004: 1.2 IP, 0 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 7 BB.

That's right. In Andy's mercifully short stint with the Cubs ("Hendry said there's a good chance Pratt will start the season in the majors.") he walked two batters more than he retired. And what's worse, in 2002 HE DID BASICALLY THE SAME THING WITH THE BRAVES.

Andy Pratt, 2002: 1.1 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB.
Andy Pratt, career: 3 IP, 11 BB.

Since 1990, only the following pitchers walked as many men as they retired:

Dave Martinez, 1990, 1995, 1.1 IP, 4 BB.
Greg Litton, 1991. 1 IP, 3 BB.
Jose Canseco, 1993. 1 IP, 3 BB.
Dennis Konuszewski, 1995. .1 IP, 1 BB.
Manny Alexander, 1996. .2 IP, 4 BB.
Rafael Quirico, 1996. 1.2 IP, 5 BB.
Ricky Pickett, 1998. .2 IP, 4 BB.
Derek Bell, 2000. 1 IP, 3 BB.
John Mabry, 2000-2001. 1 IP, 4 BB.
Kris Keller, 2002. 1 IP, 3 BB.
Jeff Fulchino, 2006 (pending). .1 IP, 1 BB.

The following did not make it but deserve honorable mention:

Jared Fernandez, 2004. He pitched one inning, walked five and gave up six hits for a WHIP of 11.00.

Mike Bynum, 2004. Bynumetrics.

The best thing about this list is that five never made it back to the majors and that six were position players. And all of these players managed to pitch better than Andy Pratt.

Pratt somehow managed to go three innings before somebody realized that the only true outcomes to any at-bats against him were "walk" and "not walk" (ratio of 11 walks to 22 batters faced).

"I started with a cutter," he said. "I went down to Puerto Rico and worked with Guy Hansen, who is the (Braves') Triple-A pitching coach in Richmond. I just started messing around with it because you can't do anything wrong down there. It's not a real season. I just started messing around with it and seeing what different hitters did with it. That was the big thing."

Games against Montreal in Puerto Rico, then, would better explain Pratt's colossal failiure of a career, rather than relief appearances against the Mets (2002) and Reds (2004).

What bothers me the most about Pratt is that if you look at his minor league stats, he was actually a good pitcher. In 1999, he walked only 16 in 71.2 innings of A ball and struck out 100. Apparently, the closer he got to the bigs, the more he looked like Rick Ankiel.

So where did he go?

He spent 2004 falling back down to the rookie leagues, and on September 3 he was traded to the Brewers for Ben Grieve, another bum who did not help the Cubs win the World Series.


(On a personal note, despite actually watching the game in which Pratt pitched, I missed his Cubs debut (and send off!) while sitting on the toilet. But I assume that they are more or less the same thing.)

How fitting!

Though witnessing any more Cub games for the remainder of the 2006 season is an exercise in self-mutilation, I had Friday's game on the radio while I was at work and during a commercial break, I heard their new angle for pushing that near-undrinkable swill better known as "Old Style Beer." One could argue that removing the word "Style" from their label would save them money on printing costs while not losing any ground in marketing for this sorry excuse for a beverage, but I digress.

Anyway, the new series of radio commercials for Old Style has a stand-up comedian telling a few quick jokes to a small audience about the absurd obsession with the Cubs some fans possess (e.g. (not verbatim) "Cub fans will do anything to catch a 1:20 game. They'll even leave the office early during a presentation.... that they're giving!" [laughter]). Then comes the voice over pitching the same line in every commercial: It takes two things to be a true Chicago Cubs fan. A sense of humor and an Old Style.

For once I completely agreed with a commercial making such a lofty claim. A true Chicago Cubs fan does indeed require a sense of humor in order to laugh at the joke of a team that's currently polluting the otherwise beautiful Wrigley Field, and if you're going to consider yourself a fan to such a lousy team, you may as well be drinking a beer that's equally lousy. Drinking a Sam Adams or a Beck's while watching the Cubs is just as unfitting as wearing a tuxedo to a game.

Congratulations to Old Style for marketing a product perfectly!

Taking a Dump.

That's about the only way to describe what he's done this year, particularly in his last ten appearances (8/22-9/12). Let's have a look.

10 IP, 17 H, 6 BB, 2.30 WHIP, 12 R, 10 ER, 8 K

Let us put this into perspective. Here are Jon Papelbon's numbers on the year next to Dumpster's on the ten-game stretch.

Dumpster: 10 IP, 17 H, 6 BB, 12 R, 10 ER
Papelbon : 68.1 IP, 40 H, 13 BB, 8 R, 7 ER.

Here's Dempster on the year:

Dumpster: 68.2 IP, 42 R, 35 ER, 35 BB
Papelbon: 68.1 IP, 8 R, 7 ER, 13 BB
Liriano: 121 IP, 31 R, 29 ER, 32 BB
Weaver: 108.2 IP, 27 R, 26 ER, 30 BB

Papelbon would need to pitch 341.2 innings to give up as many earned runs as Dempster. As for the comparison between Dumpy and the starters, I don't even know where to begin. Combine either starter with Pap and Dumpy's still given up more runs.

He's given up more runs than a guy who looks like this (image courtesy of Can't Stop The Bleeding). In forty fewer innings.

On the positive, there is no way Dempster could keep his job after this, right?

"Manager Dusty Baker still claims to regard Dempster as his closer, the Chicago Sun-Times reports."

Michael Barrett would beg to differ.

Dusty, on the Cubs' six errors in Tuesday's 9-8 win:

"You guys ever make typos? You've got spell check. There ain't no ball check out there."

-Pandrew

Apparently it is 1988.

Seriously, look at this headline:

"Royals' Gordon Named Top Minor Leaguer"

Prior and Wood both received votes for their incredible rehab starts.

Now That Barrett's Fate Has Been Altered, He Must Punch Someone In The Face To Reclaim His Girl and His Manhood

From "Notes: Barrett Considers Himself Blessed." (article)

I'll bet he's not talking about the foul tip he took to the groin.

ATLANTA -- Michael Barrett considers himself lucky and says he hopes he can play again this season.

Barrett had to undergo surgery on his groin last Saturday, and is on the disabled list with an intrascrotal hematoma. He had some trouble recovering from the anesthetic and is trying to wean himself off the pain medication, but was enjoying a weekend at home in Atlanta. He'll probably stop for a good-luck meal at the local Cracker Barrel restaurant.

Cracker Barrel may not be part of the doctor's orders, though a doctor rarely factors variables like luck into a prognosis.

"Being home, getting some home cooking is good," Barrett said. "It's always good to see people and get that extra support."

Wait, does Michael Barrett consider Cracker Barrel "home cooking"? Or does Muskat think that all southerners are idiots?

"This isn't an injury I'd wish on anybody."

Not even A.J. Pierzynski, Michael?

"I went in to check on things, and it didn't look good," he added.

Oh shit, guys. Oh shit.

"I thought with a little more time it would get better, and it never got better. I probably shouldn't have hit in that situation. I thought it would eventually go away."

I had this crazy premonition that the Cubs would be thirty games under .500, but I kept the faith, hoping the pain would get better with a little more time, and it never got better.

I thought it would eventually go away.

That was a freebie.

How could we do this without you, Carrie? (article)

Cubs starters have gone at least five innings in 57 starts this season heading into Saturday's game. They've gone fewer than five innings in 40 of those games.

1) Cubs starters have gone at least five innings in 57 of their 142 starts
2) Hm. Either a) they have gone fewer than five innings of 40 of the 57 games in which they went at least five innings, or b) they have gone fewer than five innings in 40 of the 85 starts in which they did not go at least five innings, leaving 45 starts in which the starter did not pitch fewer than, as many as, or more than five innings.

Update: Wade Miller went three innings today, which is fewer than five. Too bad I am too confused by Muskat's statistic to understand what this means: Wade Miller was not good today. Speaking of which:

Miller's debut spoiled by Braves' bats (article)

You'd get the impression from the title of this article that Miller had a good start while the Braves' offense simultaneously had a good day. Not that that would be possible. But Miller threw a lousy game. Here is his line:

Wade Miller, 9/9 - 3 IP, 5 H, 4 ER, 5 BB, 3 K, 2 HR

Though to be fair, his K-to-HR ratio stayed above 1, which is something.

Miller couldn't keep the Atlanta Braves in check. Adam LaRoche and Brian McCann each hit two-run homers and Andruw Jones added a solo shot to lead the Braves to a 7-3 victory and spoil Miller's debut, handing the Cubs their 17th loss in the last 20 games. It's the 25th time the Braves have hit at least three homers in a game.

Again, using the verb "spoil" as if Miller earned something that was then unjustly taken from him. Yes, Carrie, he was injured. He also took over a year to return from surgery when he was supposed to be back in May. Perhaps you should have run one of these stories instead:

"Mediocrity Spoils Feel-Good Story"
"Injury Spoils Attempt to Come Back from Injury"
"Fifteen Hit, Ten Run Shellacking Spoils Pitcher's No-Hit Bid"
"A Week on Table Spoils Loaf of Bread's Quest for Immortality; Bread Unavailable for Comment"
"Blogger's Chance with Girl Spoiled by Lack of Real Chance."
"Spoiled Brat's Desire to Have Everything Spoils with Cubs' Playoff Chances"

I assume she means that this is the twenty-fifth time this year that the Braves have hit at least three home runs in a game.

Baker had only seen Miller do side sessions this year. The manager did remember Miller from his successful run in Houston, when he posted double-digit wins from 2001-03.

"He was nasty," Baker said. "He had dynamite stuff. He had a good breaking ball, and was a little on the mean side, which is always a plus for a pitcher. I remember sitting in the dugout with [bench coach] Dick Pole watching him pitch. Dick said then if he doesn't change his mechanics, he'll end up hurting his shoulder. Hopefully, that's been corrected."

Apparently, bench coach Dick and Dusty called it. Time to update that scoreboard!

Pandrew: 1
THS Blogger: 0
Dusty-Dick: 1

But what did Miller have to say to that?

"I've heard that before," Miller said about his mechanics. "When I hurt my shoulder, I felt myself do it on one pitch [two years ago]. It wasn't my mechanics. It was just a matter of where my arm slot was on that particular pitch. People talk about me trying to follow through better as far as bending over, but that's not the way I pitch. My arm's been feeling fine the way I'm pitching."

Ooo. Sounds like someone's wrong. Headline:

"Pitcher Claims that Dick Baker Did Not Call It"

Another Baker:

"Both of the two-run homers were proceeded by a walk."

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

Rodriguez Feeling A Little Bit Under the Brady Anderson

Third baseman Alex Rodriguez didn't start Saturday because he felt ill. Torre thought Rodriguez might be available to pinch hit, but he didn't play.

"It's weird. The last time we were here, it was the same exact thing," Torre said. "I don't know if he's eating at the same place or what. Whatever the heck it is, it certainly hasn't worked very well."

Do you want to know what Alex has been eating, and where he's been eating it? I do not.

Isringhausen Falls Victim to Blogger's Prognosis Despite Blogger Not Having Seen Him Throw All Year.

from a comment left on entry, "Your Mild Cold Has Been Updated To Forever", 9/7

"Isringhausen is probably injured. His career GB/FB ratio is 1.44, but this year's is 1.18, the lowest it's been since 1999. Either he's changed his mechanics and begun leaving balls out over the plate (ten homers allowed is a career high as a reliever), or he's injured and leaving balls out over the plate."

Whoever said that was a genius. How wonderful it is to analyze such precise and relevant...analysis.

From ESPN, 9/8:

"According to a report in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Jason Isringhausen will not pitch this weekend and could be done for the year due to pain and inflammation in his arthritic left hip. "

A certain THS staffer may claim to have a jaw up on things, but he is in fact sticking his neck out a bit beyond its reach.

The "I Called It" scoreboard:

Pandrew 1.
A-Tr...THS Staffer 0.

Maybe Dusty has a Flux Capacitor-shaped Scar beneath that hat.

First off, something rather pleasant, taken from the ESPN Cubs' "Player Card":

3B Aramis Ramirez came into the game with a .971 fielding percentage, the highest among NL third basemen and fourth in the majors.

He doesn't look it, but I'll be damned. Maybe he's just letting more balls through for hits, or maybe more balls are reaching the outfield. Actually, last year the Cubs had a groundball/flyball ratio of 1.31, which was fifth in the majors. This year's is 1.07 (24th), which means that the hard-hit balls are in the outfield, extra base hit percentage is up (5%), and Aramis is getting fewer difficult chances.

A headline, as well: Cubs drop finale despite Moore's mojo.

I suppose it would have been funnier if Muskat had made the mistake of attributing Freddie Bynum's successes to black magic, but then again Bynum has not had any non-musical successes.

Every time I see the name Xavier Nady, I think someone might have broken a bone during the game and was taken to Northwest Memorial.

A quote from Scott Eyre, who gave up the go-ahead run in the ninth after a solid eighth:

"I have to figure out a way to go out with the same intensity that I had when I first came into the game," Eyre said. "I sit down in the dugout and I sat there and I was looking around."

Apparently Scott Eyre needs to wear blinders during the games to keep from being distracted. Possible distractions:

1. Drunken Ryan Dempster.
2. Catcher Henry Blanco had fallen asleep.
3. A really good movie was playing on the clubhouse TV.
4. The image of Michael Barrett rehabilitating from his current injury.
5. This plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
6. He was on AIM with the rest of the MLB.
7. A certain THS staffer threatened to "break his fucking jaw" over a girl who had herpes.
8. Fear that, being the president and only member of the Scott Eyre fan club, his wife might get jealous and try to kill him.


In Baker's first season in 2003, the Cubs won the NL Central Division. This is the last year of his contract, and the team is in last place. Maybe he could flip the years? "It's too late now," Baker said. "You can't flip 'em. You can't time it. If I could do that, I'd have a time machine.

You can't time it? What does that mean? And when he says, "It's too late now," does this imply that there was a point at which this sort of sci-fi Muskat time-flip was possible? "If I could do that, I'd have a time machine." What are you talking about? I wonder if Carrie gets angry enough to torch a school dance when Dusty avoids her questions like this. Maybe the only reason Dusty still has a job is that he does have a time machine, and he uses it how I use the save state option on Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball: after every pitch.

Just kidding, I'm actually good at that game. But if I could go back and move the beginning of this post to the end of this post, I'd have a time machine.

Dumpster Diving

I think the title speaks for itself.

Your mild cold has been upgraded to forever.

From article, Notes: Dempster in Cubs' future plans (link)

Here it comes.

CHICAGO -- Ryan Dempster is the Cubs closer for the rest of this season and most likely next year, manager Dusty Baker said Wednesday.

How can you know what your players are going to do next year when you probably won't be the manager next year? It's not like you're the president and can do some quick midnight appointments before leaving office.

Dempster has some ugly numbers in his last five games: he's given up nine runs (eight earned) on 13 hits and six walks over five innings, and is 0-3 with one blown save. Baker backed the right-hander.

"That's Demp's job," Baker said.

Dempster, apparently, is being paid to have a 16.20 ERA and lose close games. That's his job.

Baker didn't talk to Dempster after Tuesday's game, in which he threw a wild pitch to allow the winning run to score for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the ninth inning. The two had talked a couple of days ago.

Why not? That seemed like a good time to have a discussion. Or to bench him for a few days. When we traded Farnsworth to Detroit, didn't we hear the hype about Novoa being the next young closer? Or when Hawkins went to San Francisco, the same for Aardsma? Give one of them a chance.

I worked in a comic book store when I was twelve. I was paid under the table with baseball cards and comic books. My job was to put things in order, and if I made a mistake, my boss told me right away, so that I could fix it immediately, because people finding the comic or card they were looking for was contingent upon me doing my job properly. She never let me continue making a mistake for two days without talking to me. What if everyone did this?

NSA Director Lt. Gen Keith B. Alexander: Yeah, we've had a few guys down in records who can't seem to put paperwork in its right place. Some of it is just floating around, free for anyone to see. I'm even advertising it right now by talking about it, though you probably already knew something was wrong based on the terrorist attack that took place yesterday. Well, any questions?

Reporter: What have you done to prevent this from happening again?

NSA Director: Well, I have faith that the problem is something that will fix itself. A guy can't just keep making the same mistake forever, even if nobody corrects it, right?

Reporter: Somehow I doubt that's true. But have you spoken with the person who misfiled the information that led to the terrorist attack yesterday?

NSA Director: I spoke with him two days ago.

Reporter: You mean, you haven't spoken to him about the problem of potentially dangerous misfilings that allow terrorists access to extremely sensitive information since his incompetence led directly to a terrorist attack on U.S. soil?

NSA Director: Oh, no. We spoke about that two days ago. But I figure, you know, that you can only give a guy the same speech a few times, and then the rest is up to him.

"What do you say to somebody every day?" Baker said.

Reporter: Stop screwing up!

Pandrew: Stop screwing up!

Cubs Fans: Stop screwing up!

Shaquille O'Neal: Don't be rapin'!

The Brain: The same thing I say every day, Pinky.

Robert Novak: Valerie Plame.

You are a manager. You manage things. It is your job.

As far as Baker is concerned, Dempster will be the Cubs closer in 2007.

"I don't see why not," Baker said. "You've got to figure out a way to get him back in sync and to the quality that he spoiled us with."

Old woman: These dusty storms have dried up all the land in the midwest, Johnny. Our well is completely dry. We need to leave. There has to be someplace else where we could find water.

Johnny: Well, if the well doesn't want to give us water, we just need to wait around until it starts again. We need it to get back up the level at which it had spoiled us.

Old Woman: But wells can go dry, and usually when wells go try they trade them to San Diego, and San Diego accepts, even if the wells are ridiculously overweight.

Johnny: What?

Old Woman: I heard, a while back, that there might be a job opening in Los Angeles at the end of the season.

Johnny: What sort of job?

Old Woman: I don't know. Picking oranges, or dodging them.

Johnny: Do you think we'd be able to manage?

Old Woman: You would, but I don't know if Keith Hernandez would stand for me being near the game.

Johnny: You mean my job?

Old Woman: Yes. Sorry. I don't know why I said game.

Darren: Hey mom hey dad.

Old Woman: Oh god Darren it's so cold out there! Don't let the snow fall on you

J.T. Snow: -runs-

Darren: Dad I think you should give up on the dumpster.

Johnny: Dumpster?

Darren: I meant well. Did I say dumpster? We need to use something else, like an aardsma, or a novoa.

Johnny: What are you talking about?

Darren: Dad I think you're gonna lose your job.

Former Cubs Watch! - Oh no! edition

Sept 23, 1998. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, the Cubs leading 7-5, and the bases loaded, an error by defensive replacement/left fielder Brant Brown allows three runs to score, giving the Brewers an 8-7 victory. The Cubs had the opportunity to clinch the Wild Card with a win but would have to wait until Sept. 26th to do so.

What became of Brant Brown? On December 14, 1998 he was traded to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Jon Lieber. I suppose he stopped existing until June 9, 2000, when he was traded from the Texas Rangers back to the Cubs for Dave Martinez.

He hit .157 in his last season with the Cubs, which, understandably, was his last season in the Majors (unless he played in the AL during June of 2003, which was temporarily downgraded to a "moderately sized league" to allow the call-up of former career minor leaguer and current Cubs pitcher Les Walrond).

He was signed by the Milwaukee Brewers to a minor league contract on January 11, 2001. It made no headlines. While the Brewers had luck with former Cubs prospect Brooks Kieschnick, Brant Ohno never made it back to the Majors.

He resurfaced near Chicago for the 2003 season, when at 32 he gave up, signing a contract with the Schaumburg Flyers, the hometown of whom was the only Illinois city for which the White Sox did not win the 2005 World Series. Although fielding statistics for his stint with the Flyers are unavailable, the Flyers lost in the playoffs, which may very well have been the result of a dropped fly ball.

Brown earned roughly $1,049,000 by the end of his MLB career, a dollar amount which will be easily surpassed by the money he will earn touring card shows and AM radio stations across the country and in Japan, based on star recognition alone.

His career was survived by Amaury Telemaco, Kevin Foster, Kevin Orie, Robin Jennings, Jose Molina (who was drafted by the Chicago Cubs in the 14th round of the 1993 amateur draft), and Ron Santo, whose heartbreak will forever surpass the peaks of Brown's brief stay beneath the Wrigley lights, whose face keeps dropping like a routine fly ball. Geoff Jenkins celebrates with this teammates.

An extra notch in the "Argument Belt"

As of now, September 6th, 2006, with less than 25 games remaining on the schedule, the Cubs now have the worst record in the NL central, the worst record in the entire NL, and the third-worst record in all of baseball (barely ahead of Tampa and Kansas City).

Their pitchers are 27th in team ERA (4.79) and 1st in the league in walks (576). Sure, they're also leading in K's, but when you're almost 30 games below .500, it's like being proud of finding a roll of quarters right after you file for bankruptcy.

As for hitting, they are 29th in OBP, 29th in walks, and dead last in runs scored.

Even if they were to go 23-0 in their remaining games, they would still finish off the season 2 games under .500.

With all of that having been said, if I see Dusty Baker don a Cubs uniform in 2007, I'm committing seppuku.

When The Referee Begins Counting To Ten.

Only the percentages can get worse, folks:

When the Cubs wake up Wednesday, they'll be at the bottom of the standings. (article)

CHICAGO -- There have been a lot of low points this season for the Cubs, but on Tuesday they reached another one, falling into last place in the National League Central.

No argument there.

"I'm sure there are people who don't want to see me out there when the game's on the line," [Dempster] said.

Couldn't agree with you more, Ryan.

(regarding Aramis Ramirez' ejection) "He wasn't throwing [the helmet] in his direction; he was just throwing it down," Baker said of Ramirez. "He was more upset at himself. I don't understand that ejection, really. The ball's not bouncing our way. That was big."

He was ejected because he threw his helmet, which is rather easily understood. This is not a "ball's not bouncing our way" thing. Juan Mateo being struck on the arm by a line drive is a ball not bouncing (or line-driving) your way.

This is actually one of the more honest articles written by Muskat all year. No hero-worship, no dramatization, no apologies. It was actually quite nice.

Except for the content.

Remember when everybody called them the Lovable Losers?

With a win Tuesday, the Pirates would pass the Cubs, who would drop into last place in the Central.

Even more futile than Carrie Muskat's "most historically futile" team in baseball.

The Walking Dead, or Those Who Clog Up the Bases

Found this one in the archive:

Bob Howry allowed a game-winning grand slam to St. Louis' Gary Bennett, who stung the Cubs with a walk-off in their previous game. Jacque Jones homered and drove in two, but Les Walrond allowed five earned runs in 2 2/3 innings in his big-league debut.

Apparently, the AL was not a "big-league" in July of 2003.

Also, injury report!

8/30 - Juan Mateo leaves with forearm injury, despite Michael Barrett's preparation.
9/2 - Michael Barrett leaves with groin injury.
9/3 - Angel Guzman leaves with cramps in right arm, Jacque Jones sits out with infected tear duct.
9/4 - Carlos Zambrano leaves with strained lower back.

Let's not try to do too much, guys.

Not funny.

This is a legitimate injury, Mark Prior.

CHICAGO -- The Cubs' injuries continued to mount as catcher Michael Barrett was placed on the 15-day disabled list Sunday with an intrascrotal hematoma.

Barrett was injured in the fifth inning on Saturday when he was hit in the groin by a ball during San Francisco pitcher Matt Cain's at-bat. Barrett stayed in the game, and even hit in the Cubs' fifth, but had to leave because of the pain.

Maybe Dusty forgot to do cup-check before the game.

Former Cubs Watch! Second Base Edition

This is our first installment of "Former Cubs Watch!", a series in which we will compare the performances of current Cubs to those of their still active predecessors.

The first in our series is "Awesome" Todd Walker, who despite never keeping his mouth shut always managed to be a decent hitter. "Cubs Replacements" are gauged only by their performances while playing second base. Todd Walker's statistics are for the entire season, as, theoretically, he could have been putting these numbers up all year as the Cubs 2b.

2B: "Awesome" Todd Walker. Replacements: Tony Womack, Neifi Perez, Ronnie Cedeno, Freddie Bynum, Jerry Hairston.
At Bats: Walker - 388, Replacements - 368.
Hits: Walker - 110, Replacements - 97
XBH: Walker - 29, Replacements - 26
BB: Walker - 50, Replacements - 14
K: Walker - 30, Replacements - 43
HR: Walker - 7, Replacements - 5
RBI: Walker - 47, Replacements - 34
A/O/S: Walker - .284/.363/.399, Replacements - .263/.290/.361


FPCT: Walker - .977, Replacements .978

1) Even in San Diego, Walker has been platooned and thus his numbers are below what they would be.
2) The biggest gap is OBP. Walker has been on base 49 times more than his replacements.
3) The replacements do no better a defensive job than Walker did, eliminating any argument that defense makes up for Walker's bat. Walker has a fair edge here in every category.

Also, Replacements have grounded into 18 double plays (while playing for the Cubs); Walker, 8.

Shirk has hope.

From article, Notes: Cubs bolster battery

The Cubs have one more month to play, and general manager Jim Hendry already was looking ahead to next year.

For some reason, Jim has stopped looking ahead.

"It'll be a busy offseason for us, an important offseason for us," Hendry said Friday. "I haven't been hanging my head -- we've been focusing on what we have to do."

It is always important--and busying--to clean your desk out after you are fired for reckless incompetence. But apparently nothing to "hang your head" about.

"Hopefully, the young pitchers will help me sort out things better by the end of the month," Hendry said. "Hopefully, guys who are having good years can finish up that way. You hope to win as many games as you can and not blow games like we did in Pittsburgh."

That's a lot of hope you're hoping for, Jim. And which rookies are having the good years? The right fielder who Dusty won't play even if he hits .400? The worst overall shortstop in the majors? The idiot parade of starting pitchers?

Also, "you hope to win as many games as you can"? Your team has won as many games as it can, Jim: 55. I'd hope that you'd hope for a few more.

Hendry said it's better to judge the players when they're facing a contending team rather than a team that's out of the race. The Cubs will be facing some Wild Card contenders, including the Giants this weekend, the Cincinnati Reds, the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Philadelphia Phillies.

So you need to watch them play the AL, then, because nobody in the NL is seriously contending to win the World Series.

I don't quite understand this comment by Hendry. Theoretically, the teams with better talent would be the contending teams, and so he is saying that you have to judge players based on how they do against the best players in the game. There are only five teams with winning records in the NL, so you can only judge a player by how he performs against these teams? There are sixteen teams in the National League, eleven of which have sub-.500 records. Apparently this chunk of 68.75% of the league is unimportant, because only 31.25% of the league matters.

"When you're playing people trying to get in, you should have pride about beating somebody in the race," Hendry said.

Maybe you should stick to trying to beat the other 68.75%, Jim Shirk.

Minor matters: Jerome Williams gave up five runs on nine hits over 6 1/3 innings in Iowa's 7-4 loss to Oklahoma.

Oh god he's still bad. But you can never hate a guy who replaced Latroy Hawkins on your roster.

The Fix Is In!

From Muskat's "Cubs Fall To Giants' Power Display"

CHICAGO -- Sean Marshall became the 430th Major League pitcher to serve up a home run to Barry Bonds on Saturday. He won't be the last.

How do you know? He will be facing Cubs' pitching tomorrow, sure, but this is a very obvious and worthless sort of observation. Do you know who scored the NFL's first two-point conversion? Tommy Tupa. Who will be the 430th man to do so? It does not matter! But whoever it will be, he won't be the last!

On second thought, maybe Carrie Muskat has a time machine. Unless she's wrong, and Bonds breaks Aaron's record by hitting his next 28 homers against Sean Marshall.

A rookie mistake thwarted a potential ninth-inning rally.

"God got the guy out," Giants manager Felipe Alou said.

"We'll take divine intervention at any time," Stanton said.

Why do sports journalists insist upon crediting some higher being for everything? Even if she didn't write it herself, she got the quotes and decided to use them to shape the "Cubs Are Cursed" angle of her article. Yet she contradicts herself when she blames the loss on the somewhat un-god-like Ryan Theriot (every God on the 432 B.C. Greek Gods team had at least 137 homers). So which was it, Carrie? Did a fan see Jesus in a hot dog right before Stanton threw? Maybe we should blame Bartma---I mean the fans. Or was it that asshat Theriot for clogging up the bases? (Yes he reached on a walk.)

Marshall knew all about Bonds.

Yeah, he's somewhat well known among baseball nerds. I'm surprised that Marshall was familiar, though, because he's such a n00b.

With two outs in the Giants' sixth, Bonds walked and Durham followed with his 21st home run, followed two pitches later by Alou's 15th blast to open a 4-1 lead.

Please do not refer to anything Moises Alou does as a "blast" or a "shot".

The game was one Cubs catcher Michael Barrett would like to forget. He left after five innings when he took a foul tip off his groin. Barrett was feeling ill and was taken to a local hospital as a precautionary measure. His status was day-to-day.

I thought he came to the game "mentally prepared for the worst". Apparently he was not physically prepared. And ill? He was hit in the testicles by a baseball moving 90-something mph that was coming at him (awful, awful word choice) from an angle he was only mentally prepared for. Ill...just is not the word for this. Ask a man how it feels, Carrie.

Let's hope they don't start calling him E-Patt

Cubs Cruise Behind Hill's Gem

What is Theriot eating these days?

"Nothing," the rookie infielder said.

Perhaps this explains why his home run Friday afternoon was his first of the year (including Iowa) and only the fifth of his professional career. Something tells me we might be seeing a lot of Eric Patterson next year.

The Cubs still are the only team in the Majors to not have a pitcher post a complete game.

I'm sure the people in the Cubs' front office are burning holes in their shoes looking for an answer to this complete game-less drought. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that the ERA of Cubs' starters is 5.16. Or that, excluding Greg Maddux, who could throw no more than 75 pitches while with the Cubs, and Z-Machine, Cubs rookies had started a total of four games coming into this season. All four starts were Rich Hill's. The rest of the rotation (Wood, Prior, Rusch) have been too injured to get six innings into the game.

Also, Les Walrond was bad enough that he was let go by the Royals's minor league affiliates.

Regarding Wednesday's loss to the Pirates

Bits from Carrie Muskat's article, Cubs Fall in Similar Fashion.

Michael Barrett maintains he comes into every game with a mindset that will "prepare [him] for the worst."

What a stand-up guy. Is this the same mindset that prepares him to arbitrarily punch other players?

"Seems like razor thin always goes against us," Baker said.

You play Neifi Pérez and Ronnie Cedeno. You are a bad manager and use players who are also bad. If you call that razor thin, then yes, it always goes against you.

Any period of missed time for Mateo, who was making just his fifth big-league start and displaying increasing promise, would be a significant blow to a depleted Cubs pitching staff that already has used eight rookies this season.

Juan Mateo is one of eight rookies with mediocre stuff to start for the Cubs this year. What makes him any more important than Carlos Marmol, Sean Marshall, Rich Hill, Jae Ken Ryu, or Angel Guzman. They've all been bad, generally, while Marshall was OK.

And in Mateo's last 14 IP, he has allowed 26 baserunners, and his "increasing promise" has seen his ERA jump from 3.00 to 4.15. In two innings on August 30, he threw 53 pitches in 2 IP. The NL is putting up .314/.389/.419 against him.

Of course he could get better, but the point is that he is not the lynch-pin of this team. We get it, the Cubs have had a lot of injuries. Stop crying.

By the way, Rich Hill has a three-hit shutout through seven.