Sunday, November 12, 2006

LALALALA NOT LISTENING

It's hard to ignore all of this Aramis Ramirez free agency talk. He wants a six-year contract, it seems...good! Give it to him! There are only four better courses of action for the Cubs than giving him a six-year deal, and they are as follows, in reverse order of excellence:

1) Seven-year contract
2) Eight-year contract
3) Nine-year contract
4) Ten or more-year contract.

THIS IS OUR BEST PLAYER. THIS IS THE BEST OFFENSIVE THIRD BASEMAN THE CUBS HAVE EVER HAD.

(Fun story: To prove the gravitas of the above statement, I will provide this story from my first day at work:

Boss: "We can't give you number 5 in the system, even though it's next. We're retiring that. It's going on [name redacted]'s Hall of Fame plaque. You can be 6."
Me: "I don't want to be 6. 6 sucks."
Boss: "Well, what number do you want?"
Me: "I'll be 10. For Ron Santo!"

True story.)

HOW HAVE THE CUBS NOT RESIGNED ARAMIS YET? It's awful. If they don't sign him, I have a feeling that I am going to walk around in a haze, describing his exploits of the night before (on the field, you fuckos), even if they happen to be completely fictional. So when you hear that insane guy talking about how Ramirez went 3-4 to lead the Cubs to a win, EVEN IF THEY LOST AND HE PLAYS FOR THE ANGELS...that's probably me. Denial is what's hot for spring.

On to football: The Giants? My early pick to win the NFC and possibly the Super Bowl, and they're going up against a Bears team who apparently entrusted their scheduling to the Rutgers athletic director. (No, I'm not bitter that I had a couple hundred on Louisville. Not at all.) The Bears can handle it, though...they still lead Western Michigan by three games, and have games remaining against divisional rivals Ball State and UL-Monroe. Prediction: Giants 24, Bears 13.

And since I'm apparently ripping off the Sports Guy's style, I will present you with my football pool picks of the week. (All lines taken from the pool's official line, namely the parlay card we put out.)

Chiefs -1.5 (The Dolphins aren't very good)
49ers +6.5 (Neither are the Lions)
Rams +3.5 (Marc Bulger is on my fantasy team, "Seneca Wallace" sounds like a new model of Pontiac)
Cardinals +7.5 (I asked a regular customer who he liked because I couldn't come up with a fifth pick)
Bucs +9.5 (I might be functionally retarded)

Tiebreaker (MNF total points): 31.

I'm not a big underdog player in general, but they just seemed appetizing this week. "I WILL NOW LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE."

Readers: Who from Vegas is reading this? I know I've given this site out to a few people, but I'm not sure who is stopping by. Also, even if you're not from Vegas, feel free to comment. THS is an open forum, at least until some douchebags ruin it by being unfunny and the diametric opposite of insightful.

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