Saturday, October 21, 2006

World Series Preview, I Am Drunk Edition

So, it has been brought to my attention that my dad reads this blog...I talked to him about it, and he said that he liked it, but I could stand to tone down the language some. Now, I don't react well to criticism...so I am going to replace all "four-letter words" in this post with a four-letter word which I find even more offensive.

Let's go to the head-to-head.

C: Ivan Rodriguez v. Yadier Molina.

Yadier, you hit one lovin' home run that means anything in your career, and you tink you can match up with a Hall Of Famer? You lose, cracka.

Edge: Le Tigre.

1B: Sean Casey v. Albert Pujols.

I hate the Cardinals as much as anyone, but the only thing stopping me from saying you'd have to be lovin' retarded to think this is even close is that I have a good friend (wink, wink) who works with the retarded. So, you'd have to be seriously developmentally disabled to think that this is even close.

Edge: Cards.

2B: Placido Polanco v. Ronnie Belliard.

The best contact hitter in baseball today not named Ichiro against some douchebag whose only positive attributes are cornrows and being approximately five feet tall. Gee, this is a tricky one.

Edge: Le Tigre.

3B: Brandon Inge vs. Scott Rolen.

I really hate Scott Rolen.

Edge: Le Tigre.

SS: some dude vs. David Eckstein.

Eckstein, what the love? You hustle, you do all the things that Joe Morgan loves, you basically...make all the rest of us look really motherlovin' bad. I'm kind of disappointed that you haven't been hit by a trolley or some shit yet. They still make trolleys, right? Maybe? As tourist attractions? Love it, I'm taking some dude.

Edge: some dude (Le Tigre).

LF: Chris Duncan/Preston Wilson vs. Marcus Thames/Craig Monroe

Seriously, both of you platoons realize that nobody fucks you, right? (Apparently, word replacement takes on a transitive property when I drink.) This is the worst matchup in the history of baseball - not because the players are bad, but out of the four guys mentioned, who gives a love?

Edge: who cares

CF: Curtis Granderson vs. Jim Edmonds

Edmonds holds every conceivable edge in this competition. He's got the experience, the will to win, the veteran know-how and savvy...wait, this is a center field competition and not a whining like a little bitch competition? Never mind.

Edge: GRANDERSON

RF: Magglio Ordonez vs. Juan Encarnacion

Magglio is an ex-White Sox, "Encarnacion" literally translates to "a man in jail." Either way, it's a bitch.

Edge: Adebisi

P: Chris Carpenter and the Seven Dwarves vs. Jeremy Bonderman and a bunch of dudes who throw 100+ mph.

Edge: Tigers, writeup unnecessary

Intangibles: All I have to say here is that you don't see Dog the Bounty Hunter naming his kid "LaRussa".

Edge: Tigers

Final pick: Tigers in five.

10 Comments:

At 10/21/2006 10:28 AM, Blogger Pandrew said...

Actually your mis-translation of EncarnaciĆ³n is interesting. It translates literally to incarnation, but for a Cubs fan this existence is somewhat like Spider Man's editor-in-chief sneaking one up on you from behind.

Also in this encarnaciĆ³n Adebisi is Mr. Eko in Lost.

And this may be the most telling sentence you've ever written: "I'm taking some dude."

 
At 10/21/2006 10:33 AM, Blogger Pandrew said...

Also J.K. Simmons, who played Aryan Brotherhood leader Vern Schillenger, also "played the manager of his hometown pro baseball team, the Detroit Tigers, in For Love of the Game."

Los Tigres!

 
At 10/21/2006 12:18 PM, Anonymous Lauren said...

I prefer to call him Juan Incarnate. Also Le Tigre only put out one good album.

 
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