Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Prolific Pandrew Provokes Post

I'm just trying to keep up, really.

But A-Rod? A Cub? Unacceptable. Let's look at the facts:

1) A-Rod is a quitter when it counts, and that won't apply with the Cubs.

DOESN'T MATTER.

Ramirez is fairly lousy in games that count. That's why he has lousy Aprils, and lousy first halves of May - after that, the playoffs are a fucking pipe dream anyways. So, we can get Ramirez (who I really think is awesome) for 12-15 mill a year, or we can pay out the ass (or more likely, up the ass) for A-Rod. Advantage, Aramis.

2) A-Rod will spark fan interest as a big star.

Bullshit. We're already the underdog, we're known for being the underdog, and we don't need some overpaid turncoat Dominican/American/Dominican again!!!/Just kidding, American to take that shit away from us. Besides, he's a metrosexual, and the Cubs don't do metrosexuals. We had Moises Alou, who regularly urinated on his hands. ON PURPOSE. We have Carlos Zambrano, whose closest metrosexual comparison is the guy from American Psycho (I'd look up his name, but frankly Bret Easton Ellis makes me want to break shit - the only reason I typed out his name is that now our page will hopefully get hits for "Bret Easton Ellis sucks".) The closest we came to metro was Mark Grace, who did have the good fortune to marry a lingerie model...but also chain-smoked. Sometimes, between innings. Forget role models, this is the team of Glendon Rusch and Rich Garces. We have fat-roll models.

3) Alex Rodriguez will have a short commute from his home to the ballpark.

This is actually true, as anyone who has walked two blocks east of Wrigley can attest. I'm not sure that a short commute is a viable reason to give up your best offensive player, though.

4) Lou Piniella is kind of a douchebag.

Seriously, Sweet Lou's not a total moron. He's hard-nosed, and willing to talk shit to his players when it needs to be done, and basically epitomizes all of the old-school things a manager should be. However, if I wanted a half-Hispanic manager who doesn't look it, I'd hire Pandrew. (Mainly, because that would mean I'd be the GM, and he would actually listen to all the shit I'd say.) I'm all for kicking dirt on umps, but really, is this a successful manager? Even if he does lead the Cubs to the post-season, he's proven to be fairly worthless there. (The '90 Reds don't count, because he swept out an even worse manager in the Series.)

So, I'm sure you're asking...well, A-Train, who would you have hired? I wasn't sold on Lou, and I wasn't 100% sold on Girardi...Bochy wasn't coming here, we all knew that. Mike Quade at Iowa is actually a very good minor league manager, but that's not the answer either. (Plus, he went to Prospect, and given the Cubs' track record with MSL graduates, you can see why that wouldn't work so well.) Some guy named "Razor Shines" was supposed to be the shit, but 1) he's from the Sox system and 2) Dusty Baker proved that the last thing the Cubs need is a manager with a name like a Delta bluesman. My choice: Re-hire Jim Riggleman. He was a good field boss, he's got experience, and he'd come cheap.

My Bears story, tomorrow.

16 Comments:

At 10/17/2006 12:19 PM, Blogger Pandrew said...

Reports have said that the Cubs' payroll may jump to $100+ million this year. Frankly I doubt that, because there aren't enough players out there without making a major trade or signing EVERYONE. Zito will do $10-15 mil a year, Pierre $8-9 mil. That still leaves at least one player with a Pierre/Zito price tag to get to $100 mil. Maybe my numbers are underestimated, as the market is soft this year and Boras will find money for his guys.

I really think that Tribune Co would rather throw $100 mil at the problem than attempt to fix it.

 
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