Sunday, October 08, 2006

Playoff analysis - and henceforth, non-Cub content

While Pandrew and I are trying to get our schedules in sync so that we can take a couple hours to do a Cub year in review, I've been watching playoff baseball. I've also taken a new job - no specifics as I like to keep my public personas separate from each other, but here is a riddle that might help:

Q: What are the odds that the Cubs win the World Series next year?
A: Whatever I say they are.

But yes, the playoffs! In a homage to myself, I'm going to go list-format and give you...TOP TEN DIVISIONAL SERIES MOMENTS WHICH I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN.

10. Joel Zumaya. The Tigers have a guy who throws 103 miles per hour, and his name is Joel Zumaya. You probably knew that - but there is just something eminently good about watching this guy pitch. It's like Zen and Irish cover bands and fucking, all rolled into one.

9. The absolute suckdom of ex-Cubs in the playoffs. Ex-Cubs are batting .167 in the playoffs so far...that's 9 for 54. Take out Rondell White's 5-12, and you have a batting average BELOW .100 for all ex-Cubs. The pitching might be even worse: 9.1 IP, 5.78 ERA, 1.82 WHIP. When Kyle Farnsworth is your gateway to respectability, you're in trouble. This is another one that's not really an enjoyable entry on the list, but it's gotta be there nonetheless.

8. E! True Hollywood Story: Magglio Ordonez' hair. What is this, a tryout for the WMLB? The fact that an ex-White Sox looks like a total jackass isn't the surprise, but the fact that he's actually fun to cheer for is.

7. I have a co-worker who's a great guy...save for the fact that he's a Yankee fan. Today, I saw a grown man cry. Thank you, Detroit.

6. The Mets, team of destiny. My dad taught me everything I know about being a Cub fan, and one of the first things was "We don't like the Mets. It's a 1969 thing." Even so, I have to thank them for proving me right, as few other teams have done this postseason. (My pre-playoff picks to advance: Yankees, Twins, Mets, and who gives a fuck.) My response to "Pedro's out, the Mets are screwed!": "The Mets will be fine. Don't worry about it." My response to "Now El Duque's out too! The Mets are screwed!": "John Maine rules. Don't worry about it, the Mets will be fine." As if it didn't go without saying: NLCS prediction, Mets over who gives a fuck in five.

5. Milton Bradley's continued existence. He turned a flyout into a triple, he poured coffee on Estaban Loaiza during Loaiza's annual quality start, and it doesn't even hurt his rep. I love this guy.

4. Ron Gardenhire makes Dusty look good. This isn't really "top ten" in the making me happy sense, because I kind of like the Twins, but it's so notable that it warrants mentioning. He managed to lose a series to Oakland, who basically invented the concept of "we suck in October because we cannot grasp the idea that postseason baseball is not the same thing as regular season baseball".

3. Alex Rodriguez bats eighth. The last third baseman I recall batting eighth for the Cubs: Low-Down Dirty Shane Andrews. Good company, dickbag.

2. Kenny Rogers goes nuts with champagne. First, he grabs a bottle of champagne, hops up on the dugout, and starts spraying. That was fun. Then, he gets another bottle (and if you watch the tape, it's not quite clear WHERE he gets it. It's just there.), and sprays it pretty much directly at a kid in a green sweatshirt. (If it was a Michigan State sweatshirt, you can't really blame the kid.) Finally, the coup de grace (literally, "Mark Grace's cup")...he POURS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE ON A COP. If only he'd punch out a cameraman, he might be my personal hero.

1. The Most Ridiculous Double Play In Playoff History. The only thing better than an absolutely ridiculous play is an absolutely ridiculous play that makes J.D. Drew look like a complete asshole. If that doesn't make my feelings on Scott Boras' frequent sex partner (unsubstantiated) clear, here is a haiku:

I'm sorry that fans
threw batteries at your head.
Shoulda been grenades.

Let's go Padres, and let's get to the next round.

6 Comments:

At 10/08/2006 4:49 PM, Blogger Pandrew said...

What about Bonderman perfect through five against the Yankees, shutout through 6+?

 
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