Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Worst Day Games Of Our Lives

Here's a concept: An all-star team, except the opposite. Thanks to the searchable database at BaseballMusings.com, you can search for all sorts of things...including the answer to my question: "Who are the worst Cub hitters of my lifetime?"

The rules: Only statistics compiled with the Cubs are eligible. The date range is 8/5/1982 until today, 9/16/2006. That's a bit over 24 years of general crap. Additionally, players must have had 502 plate appearances - the cutoff to be eligible for a single-season batting title. Players are ranked in order of batting average - these ARE the bottom nine. And now, without further ado - the shameful nine known heretofore as the All-Subpar Team.

#9 - 3B, Kevin Orie. (600 AB, .243/.315/.377, 10 HR)

Kevin followed in the footsteps of the immortal Gary Scott as "The Third Base Prospect Who Wasn't." Orie was a player whose all-around game only had three weaknesses - hitting, fielding, and baserunning. I cannot remember a single happy memory of this guy, and for a Cub fan to say that means a lot. I'd like to finish his bio here with a quote from another Chicago sports legend.

"What a piece of shit he is, fucking fag."

#8 - LF, Chico Walker. (618 AB, .241/.303/.312, 7 HR)

Unlike Orie, I didn't hate Chico Walker. Not only was he a fairly competent basestealer (41/54), his main competitors (during 1991-92 - I don't personally remember his first Cub stint due to being less than five years old) were Jerome Walton (post-decline), Dwight Smith (post-decline), and Ced Landrum (never good). In addition to that, his name suggests that like Pandrew, he's some sort of bizarre Puerto Rican/cracker blend.

#7 - CF, Doug Dascenzo. (1070 AB, .240/.301/.300, 3 HR)

I refuse to disparage the good name of Doug Dascenzo. Once, I attended the pregame Cubs Youth Clinic, where Cub stars would teach their young fans the fundamentals of the game. He taught me that to catch a fly ball, you should hold your glove out directly in front of your face and use both hands...which led to a shiner when I tried it in Little League. So, on second thought, up yours, Dascenzo. Way to have a worse slugging percentage than Carlos fucking Zambrano, you worthless goddamn midget.

#6 - RF, Damon Buford. (580 AB, .240/.309/.378, 18 HR)

Remember Darren Lewis? The Giants center fielder who couldn't hit his weight, despite looking like the mulatto Lindsay Lohan? Well, Buford was once the defensive specialist in a platoon with Lewis. The only thing he did for the Cubs was fill the gap between Oh Henry! and Sosa, which admittedly is no easy task. He also isn't even the crappiest Damon on this team, thanks to...

#5 - 1B, Damon Berryhill (883 AB, .239/.281/.352, 18 HR)

Damon deserved better, he really did. I once had his Starting Lineup figure, made after his "breakthrough" rookie season where he hit a robust .257. (You must remember, this is back when Barry Bonds was able to buy hats off the rack.) His competition was the good-field, no-hit, but apparently uber-cool Joe Girardi, and the no-field, some-hit, all-eat Hector Villanueva (picture may be stand-in outsized Puerto Rican). So, while Berryhill may have sucked, there wasn't anyone who sucked less to take his place. Once Girardi grew hair on his special parts and was able to hit over .250, the job was his. (Berryhill never played first with the Cubs, but he did play two games there later in his career.)

#4 - SS, Alex S. Gonzalez (1178 AB, .235/.297/.411, 41 HR)

FUCK YOU YOU COST US THE PLAYOFFS YOU ERROR-MAKING BASTARD I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL. ESPN has not featured Gonzalez in their "You Can't Blame..." series, because they would have 29:43 to fill after Stephen A. Smith screaming "YES YOU CAN! YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN!". He does have the highest slugging percentage of this group, which is kind of like being the oldest girl Pandrew's dated.

#3 - 2B, Jeff Blauser (561 AB, .226/.343/.342, 13 HR)

Equally terrible. Boy, he hit .226, which is pretty bad...I wonder who could be worse than him? They couldn't be MUCH worse, could they? I mean, there's still a position player left on this list. Maybe two or three points worse, five at most...certainly nothing like twenty-seven. Wait, what?

#2 - C, Todd Hundley (512 AB, .199/.285/.398, 28 HR)

What the fuck? Todd Hundley hit UNDER .200 as a Cub??? I run a website called Todd Hundley Sucks, and even I didn't realize that! For effect: Had Carlos Zambrano qualified for this list, he would be ahead of Hundley, as would Mark Prior. He struck out in 169 of his 512 at-bats - that's 33%, for those of you scoring at home. That's the worst on this list, including our next entry, who really has no right being higher than anyone in hitting. Despite all this, he had enough nerve to give the bird to the Cub fans, who are undoubtedly the most loyal fans in baseball. AND, he went to Fremd, which signifies douchebaggery at its finest. Todd, when you act like this, you make yourself look bad...but more importantly, you make us look bad.

#1 - P, Greg Maddux (678 AB, .174/.186/.204, 3 HR)

I think we can all find it in our hearts to forgive his poor hitting performance. Something about being one of the greatest pitchers ever has that effect on a guy's legend. Fun fact: with six steals, Maddux ranks FOURTH out of these nine players, behind only Dascenzo, Walker, and Orie. That compares nicely with a certain douchebag catcher who didn't even ATTEMPT a steal, mainly because his legs were as crippled as Kerry Wood's right arm.

Coming soon - the worst pitchers!

11 Comments:

At 9/17/2006 9:16 PM, Blogger Pandrew said...

If you look at what Villanueva did as backup catcher, it appears that he didn't want to be a player no more.

 
At 9/19/2006 1:21 PM, Blogger Pandrew said...

And Gonzalez shows just how worthless slugging percentage is as a statistical measurement of one's probability to score: with a girl that young, you'll slug .900 with all singles but never score.

 
At 9/19/2006 7:07 PM, Blogger Pandrew said...

Was Dascenzo the one who hurt your back while getting you to hit from the other side?

That would explain the love-hate thing you have for the otherwise inconsequential man.

 
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