Friday, September 08, 2006

Trixies, take cover!

Boyfriend Kills Founder Of Grady's Ladies

Police said the national attention of the fan club could be the reason Mielecki's boyfriend shot and killed her Saturday before taking his own life.

"You know we were just doing interviews and at the game and everything, had our pictures taken and now it's just kind of come to a stop, what do you do now?" said Amanda Bonnell. "It's hard."

Other fan club members said Mielecki's boyfriend was the jealous type and they are rethinking continuing the club.


Whoa. THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT. Seriously, those pink-hatted Trixies you see at every game? We now have a legitimate precedent for subtly threatening them! However, just in case there are any other enterprising young ladies reading this who'd like to fill this void, here are some pointers.

1) Pick a good player, and a catchy name - preferably something rhyming.

Bad: Walrond's Walruses. (However, should he ever find himself on the White Sox, this might not only be apropos, but relatively clever given the organization.)
Acceptable: Ronny's Honeys
Best: Aram's Harem. (When all else fails, infer that you are sluts. Trust me on this one.)

2) Avoid a jealous boyfriend.

Bad: Ike Turner, or the late Andy Brown.
Acceptable: A certain THS staffer who once told Pandrew "Touch her, and I'll break your fucking jaw."
Best: OUT Magazine editor Brendan Lemon. Ask Brady Anderson "a pro baseball player from a major-league East Coast franchise, not his team’s biggest star but a very recognizable media figure all the same".

3) If all else fails, make sure your friends will say nice things after you die.

I'm not surprised that the girl in this story had nice things said about her by her friends. I mean, she got shot by her boyfriend who felt threatened by her FAN CLUB. What surprised me was what their friends said about the guy. From this story:

Hans Schlegel described Andy, a long-time friend, as “sharp” and “a true friend who sincerely cared about people.”

“When I think about him (Andy), the first thing that comes to mind is how warm and welcoming and how energetic he was,” Schlegel said.

During the summer, Brown worked for Haehn’s Florist.

“He was a great young man, and he was a good friend while he worked for me,” said Mick Haehn, owner of Haehn’s Florist.. “He had great common sense, he knew what he wanted, and where he wanted to go.”

Schlegel and Haehn said they were in disbelief when they heard of what had transpired.

“This is not Andy,” Schlegel said. “He was never really angry or anything like that. He’s just fun to be around, and easy-going.”

Fun to be around, and easy going...UNTIL HE KILLS YOU.

Well, there you have it...your guide to forming a successful fan club! As Keanu Reeves was advised in the cinematic classic Speed: "Don't get dead."

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